Stupid questions.

This email has been going around for quite awhile. I got it again this morning. I am tired of it, so I will take the time to answer all these questions to finally lay it to rest.

Why Why Why

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

1..IF YOU HAVE SEX WITH A PROSTITUTE AGAINST HER WILL, IS IT
CONSIDERED RAPE OR SHOPLIFTING?
..Okay, first of all, why are you shouting?……Rape
2..Can you cry under water?
…Yes
3.. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
..Very
4.. Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to?
..Taxes
5.. Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
..No, your naked
6.. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
..Because pizza’s are round and boxes that are square are easier to carry and don’t slid off the seat of the delivery car as easy.
7..What disease did cured ham actually have?
..Pigietess
8..How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
..People didn’t use to carry so much luggage, but once they showed it was possible to fly to the moon, it made people think, “Gee, I could take a lot more stuff with me” when they went on vacation, so they set the people who invented space travel, to working on this and they came up with the little wheels on the luggage
9..Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?
..Because the person who invented that saying and all those who say that, are stupid.
10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
..Yes.
11..Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
..Because the movie screen is so much bigger
12.. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
.. Duh, so they can see!
13..Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway…
..Because you are ugly and they don’t want to be exposed to all that ugliness, fat and/or wrinkles any more than they have to, as it’s a real downer, man!
14..Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?
..Because English is a stupid language.
15.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
..The original inventors of the toaster were two guys named Toe and Stirr. One liked barely toasted bread and the other liked it plumb black
16.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
stupid song about him?
..Because Jimmy owned slaves many years ago and made them watch him crack corn, which actuality has nothing to do with corn or cracking, but you couldn’t sing the words to the real act he was doing, which was really, really nasty, (matter of fact, so nasty, to this day we can not write about it or they will zap us with lasers…don’t ask about the zapping or you will be zapped with a laser. Really, trust me on this one….)so they came up with the euphemism, “crack corn” and sang about it as a way to get even. But no one who wasn’t a slave, really understood it. Then a Liberal came along and was doing work with the old time slaves after they were freed and came up with this. It is suspected that it is all a hoax, but they have gotten Snopes.com to go along with it so the fools who believe that what Snopes.com writes, have perpetuated this myth. There was no corn. There was no cracking… Now, go on about your business as if nothing happened….
17 If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
..Because he is a professor and they really can’t do anything, just talk theory. Typical Liberal….
18. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
..Because they were invented by Walt Disney, a horrible Liberal who had a concealed agenda and was involved in a conspiracy to make all people think that animals were equal to people so they could pass laws eventually, that animals had the same rights as people. It’s a lot like the laser deal. Just keep walking and act like you are not aware of these facts, now. Shhhhh, lasers…..
19 If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME
crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
…There were no cafe’s nearby and who was going to sell food to a coyote anyway? Besides he couldn’t talk so had no way to order. Would you buy for or sell to a coyote?
20..If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
..Many different things. According to Snopes.com, there are no babies harmed in the making of baby oil. Lasers. Shhhh…
21..If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
….No, the Pope.
22.. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
…Yes, if sang in the exact same way. Something to do with laser, I’’ve heard.
23..Why did you just try singing the two songs?
..I didn’t………………………. This time.
24..Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
..You have really rotten breath. Want a breath mint?
25..Why, Why, Why
..I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, the question you are trying to pose. Maybe if you got a better education? Somewhere other than a Liberal College?
26..Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
…I don’t. You do? Are you stupid?
27.. Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?
..They know that you will get money from someone (probably the government) and pay them eventually. If you don’t, they have lasers…. Shhhh
28..Why does someone BELIEVE YOU WHEN YOU SAY THERE ARE FOUR BILLION STARS, BUT CHECK WHEN YOU SAY THE PAINT IS WET?
.Ummm, you are shouting again… why is that?………They are stupid. And Liberals. But then… I repeat myself…..
29..Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
..Cheeta shaves him every morning before they film.
30.. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
..He doesn’t, but Liberals want you to think of things like this and ignore all the harm that they bring to this world. Sneaky, huh?
32..Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
..So they won’t get hurt in an accident before they get to where they are going to kill themselves. Duh!
33.. Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
..Liberals, of course…….
34..If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
..We didn’t. God made our ancestors. Liberals evolved from Apes. At least that is what they tell me.
35.. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
..Liberal conspiracy. They hate themselves and everyone else, so they try to take all the fun out of life. Are you starting to see a similar thread here, with these Liberals?
35..Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
..Yes.
36..Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
..They are stupid. Perhaps, Liberal…..
37..Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
..Most don’t. Only you, evidently. Are you a Liberal?
38.. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
…Mine always do. If your doesn’t, perhaps you are not as smart as a plastic bag?
39..How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
…There are hidden “bug holes”, designed by Liberals to eventually drive you crazy so you will vote for Liberals. Stay strong!
40..Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
…Evidently, not only are you not too smart, but your also a klutz.
41..In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
…Liberal conspiracy. Same reason as the bugs in the light. See number 40 question above.
42.. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
…Father-in-laws are way cool. And wonderful people. Well, the ones still alive anyway. And would never dream of ruining their children’s lives and those whom they choose to marry. They have more important things to do. Like going hunting, to a ball game or golf. But mainly, because they suffered from a Mother-in-law and so really don’t want to have their children think of them that way, or their children’s spouses.
43.. And my FAVORITE………The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.
….Those statistics were made up and designed by Liberals. See answer 40, above.

Another western

Here is the story that started the thread about horse wrecks. I guy I know online post this and was kind enough to let me share it on here, as long as I didn’t mention his name. So I won’t.

Yet.

LOL

“OK – here a stupid story on myself-
I was living up at a cow camp, the branding wagon had already been through my country, branded the calves and moved on. I got back to my camp one day later a found a note from the cowboss telling me a couple guys had quit and he was short handed and wanted me with the wagon for a few days. he said trail your horses down and use a company pickup to come back for my bed. etc.- well I’m smarter than the average bear and had read one too many Will James or Charlie Russel books. I thought it would be plenty western looking to trail my horses into the wagon with my bed packed on a horse. ( it’s all about image when you are that age you know) (1st mistake) So it isnt an elaborate or well thought out plan (2nd mistake) , but I have a plan. I run the horse in, catch one to ride and one to pack, and turn the rest out in the direction the wagon sets. ( 3rd mistake) well I saddle my horse, then lash my bed on the other, and led him around the corral a little, warmed my saddle horse up, no problem, the bed horse never even looked back at his pack ( oh I’m feelin so smart, 5th mistake) so I lead him through the gate so he won’t snag my tarp or anything and turn him loose ( ok this was maybe the worst mistake, I lose count now)
So the bed horse takes off to catch up to rest of his buddies, my string of horses look up to see this giant marshmallow with a horses head and leggs sticking out of it bearing down on them. I don’t know if they saw one to many horror shows when they were young or what warped them so- but they were terrified of this ” monster” bearing down on them. well instinct tells them to leave- leave fast- leave now. So they do!
Now my bed horse has instincts too- mainly join the herd- so he takes in after them trying to catch up- string of horse look back- oooooo they are justified in running – the “monster” is chasing them!!!!!!!
I can tell you that bed horse could run faster than my saddle horse- course by now he wasn’t too sure what it was either and had caught the “fear factor” himself so he wasn’t trying his best to catch him.

Luckily there wasn’t a fence for a long ways-( 12-15 miles as my memory recalls) and we made that in record time.
it was the fence going into the horse pasture where the wagon’s cavvy was held. By the time we got there everything was winded enough to hold up and the bed horse got amongst them and I held them there till things settled down. Now I knew ( see you do learn something from these things) better than to let him in loose with the whole cavvy. So I caught him up and let us all through into the horse pasture. it was only a mile or so down to where the wagon was camped. So we came walking down the road feelin way more wore out than western for sure.
Now I had already made a circle that morning before I got back to find the note, so this was well into the afternoon,
and late June, so plenty warm. Now horses running 12-15 miles on a warm afternoon tend to sweat a bit, if I had been paying close enough attention when we came to the fence I would have observed every horse there had sweat running off his belly EXCEPT my bed horse. Gosh he had a good absorbant “sponge” to soak it all up. U’d think my bed tarp had been made by “Bounty- the quicker picker upper”! Anyway it was a lasting lesson as my bed didn’t dry out for days and I’m not sure I ever got all the horse hair and stink out of it.

well when I went back to my camp I used the pickup to haul my bed back- then came back and trotted my horse home.

Moral of the story- do what the cow boss says-he usually knows best- he was probably young once too!”

Lessons

In reply to a story someone else told on a board I am on, I wrote this. Thought some of you might enjoy it.

The hardest lessons are the ones we remember the best.

I had taken a “colt” to break for a lady. Saddlebred, she told me, with pride. When I first got on him, remember this was before I’d ever heard of Ray Hunt or Tom Dorrance, he just stood there. Plumb gentle giant. did I mention he stood about 16 hands? So I’d tip his nose to try and untrack him. At this time in my life I had been taught to not wear spurs on a colt, the first few rides. I’d tip (and was really getting a “soft feel” but I didn’t know anything about a soft feel at that time) . Tip and thump, thump, thump, with my heels’/calves of my legs. Nothing. So I look around and see a big 2 inch rubber hose about 2 feet long. Aha! A nice quirt!

I get back on and again ask him with my legs, tip his nose and nothing is working so gently tap him with said hose. His head comes up a little and you can see there is a tiny little light going on in the small brain area. But it still isn’t registering. So a little harder thump on the butt and he almost moved. Leaned real good! So one more, harder, tap and he actually moved his feet at least one step. I soon found that it wasn’t the thump so much as the “whoosh” sound of air coming out of the hose that made him move. I only explain this to show you how gentle and slow this horse was.

Fast forward a week or so. We are making progress. He has learned to move off my legs in a forward fashion and turn somewhat from the signal of the reins. I need to go up west and get the horses in. So we lope up every hill and walk down the other side, as he is acting a bit more frisky than usual. We finally find the horse up the creek and start them back. I didn’t just bust him into a run as he’s acting quite a bit more frisky. Did I mention it takes me about a week to get this horse to stop, at this point in his career?

We get them going, but they are drifting too far north so I am trotting to get up to turn them which only make them go faster. Finally we achieve a lope and there is a pucker mark in the seat of my saddle, but we are doing great!

About then we top a gentle slope and get to the top and the other horses are leaving me, and ol’ stupid is wanting to join up with them, so I go to hauling on the reins. Evidently he decided he could get there faster if he loped higher. Next thing you know we are taking great big, high leaps, in a very fast forward motion and I can only handle about so many of them before I take a swan dive right over the point of his right shoulder (I always went over the right shoulder. Still not sure why?) I hit, hurt, bounce and roll for what seemed like about a quarter of a mile. Don’t remember now what all I skinned and bruised, but it must have been a lot as I still vividly remember this, 40 some years later.

I get up, walk back a quarter of a mile, pick up my hat and put it on and by then I can kind of see where I am and remember what caused this, as for a bit there every thing was dark and fuzzy, seems like. Find my horse, who hasn’t gotten too far away. Get him caught and very carefully get on and ride home. Took the pickup and went and got the horses in so I could catch my broke horse, which had been my intentions all along. (They had almost followed me home, dirty pups!)

Later Dad asked about some stain on my clothes or a rip or some outward sign of my fun so I told him about it. He said, “Hell, I’ve always told you to never try to gather horse on a colt!”

Up until then, I had forgotten that. I never have since!

Yup, the hardest lessons are the ones that stick with you the longest. πŸ™‚

Another nice one

Little bit of wind but about 40. The horse came in for a drink and hung out long enough to capture them, so I harnessed up and haled a bale out to the calves and thin cows. Tho’ I shouldn’t call them that. Neighbor here was here one day and i remarked that that one bunch was the calves and the thin cows and he said, “Oh yea, where are the thin ones?” I guess thinner would be a better word to describe them.

Then I putted around putting checks in the Quicken account and making calls and not getting too much done, but some stuff. this evening we went to Cliff and Judy’s for Adult Ed. Good talk by Fr Marcin. Good food. good time. Came home and been trying to catch up with the knowledge out there in the interwebs. Now, it is bed time. and get up and start in again tomorrow. Fr Marcin, startled me toight when he said Ash Wednesday is next week. My how time flies!

But can you fly times? πŸ˜‰

Happy Birthday Chance

Our youngest son’s birthday. don’t remember too much about the day he was born in 1985. Seems like the weather was nice. he was supposed to be a girl, but wasn’t. He was coming breech, right up until almost that day. He was in no hurry to do it the way he was supposed to. Never appeared until 10:30 pm. Missed his aunt Cathy’s birthday by a few hours as tomorrow is her birthday. So generally speaking, did everything in his own sweet time and the way he wanted. Seems like not much has changed! πŸ˜‰

Nice day. Up to the 40’s and windy. Must be a chinook blowing. Had a white cover this morning. Just a trace, but it’s all gone now. Me and the dogs hauled bean to the cows and even broke a little ice for them.

Fun

Fr Tyler was in Faith and stayed over last night. When he got home we saddled up and went over to Hope and Chances to see the grandkids and have an early birthday celebration for Chance. We had a good visit. I took Buck along and attempted to use him to help Chance with his dog, but his dog needs sheep in a small area where he has more control of his dog. But Buck loved it. Didn’t even bite a sheep, but sure had fun herding Them. He is most definatley not a goober. So there Cindy!

Beautiful day with a little breeze.

Happy Valentines day. Hope Cupid don’t hurt you with his arrow!

Company

Fr Tyler came out to stay for awhile and several families of his parishioners from his last church came out to spend the afternoon, go to church and then back here for food and fun. Great group and we really enjoyed them, but wish they had gotten here quicker. Sure was fun to see the church full to the brim with people!

It was cool and some wind, but the young men had fun shooting targets and Fr Tyler enjoyed shooting with them. After supper we played a few songs with the good Father on the mouth harp.

Cold

Or what passes for it. I don’t think it got over 12 today, but then after looking this morning, I have never looked again. supposed to get below zero tonight.

Bart and Richard stopped in this morning to get some parts off my old baler. A young man who was here last spring, Stevie Ray, also stopped in and showed me some books on timber framing, what I want to do out in front of the house when we add on.

After dinner I saddled up Woody and ran the horses in, harnessed the team and fed some hay. Dang sure had to break ice on the tanks today!

Cooler, but nice

Sun was shining and not much for a breeze, so it wasn’t a bad day.

Dean stopped in this morning to look at the springs on my bale wagon. He was headed to Punkin Center for some stuff so I tagged along and we visited and ate lunch there. I was needing an excuse to quit entering my past years checks so I can do my taxes.
When we got home, his son Δ±rad stopped in on his way back from jury duty. He was disgusted they didn’t pick him. Said it sounded like an interesting case. He didn’t go into details and we didn’t ask. they drank a cup of tea and then they headed home and I went back to entering checks. I can’t seem to look at the computer with my glasses on and can’t read some of the copies of the checks the bank sends me with out, very well, so I get a bit sick and a headache. I have tried changing the look and size on my computer screen, but it doesn’t seem to help. So I enter some and then take a break and then come back and enter some more. When Cindy got home she read some to me so I didn’t have to look back and forth and that helped.